metablog

For the lucky few, online dating can lead to marriage. Just read the success stories…I know – hard to find. Well – at the very least, online dating will lead to interesting stories – especially if you’re posting or replying on craigslist.

All these sites are a study in awesome desperation, which is why some go to craigslist. If you’re going to be desperate, you sure as hell should not have to pay for the privilege.

Below is a translation/dictionary for navigating the world of online dating. If you have more to add, please leave a comment below. Hope this list helps all those who are looking for online romance (or at least avoiding dating an axe murderer)

For women:
“i’m adventurous” means “i’m willing to screw you bareback on the first date.”
“i’m down to earth and laid back” means “i’m going to try really hard not to lose my mind when you don’t return my 18th voicemail message.”
“i’m not a golddigger” = but you still better make enough money so i don’t have to work
“ready to settle down” = if i go to another bar/club at my age i’ll be the creepy guy no one talks to
“i want someone mature” = my parole officer said teenagers are off limits
“not looking for a bad boy” = i already slept with all of them

For men:

“i love to cuddle” = after we’ve done every sexual deviance that makes you completely uncomfortable
“i like to go out as much as i like to stay in” = i’m too undecided to make a decision
“i love my family” = i ran away from home as a teen, but have since reconciled
“sexy, sweet, slightly dangerous” = i’ll probably kill you
“looking for a change of pace” = i’m looking to quit my drug habit
“looking for adventurous, sensuous, guy with sense of humor” = i should be on craigslist posting to NSA. oh, wait. i just did.
“let’s meet up for drinks” = get me really drunk so i’ll forget this ever happened